loving art, science and creative kids

       The Family in a Turkish Village  - inspired by Greg Hawthorn

A friend of mine received a call from a daughter who was in trouble after a difficult divorce.  She and her children were emotionally and financially drained. Happily my friend was able to gallop on his white horse and start the rescue process. She was very fortunate to know that she had loving support during a difficult time. His age and experiences contributed useful suggestions that gave her a rock for stability and the understanding that she was not standing on it alone.

What a difference this type of support means to a child of any age.  With tongue in cheek my husband says, “When the kids reach 60, their on their own.” Life is certainly different today than it was when he was young and pushed out of the house after high school.

At some time or other all people experience difficult, unexpected situations.  At that time family and friends are suddenly valued and give new insight into the need for interdependence. My granddaughter saw how her “old fashioned, opinionated” parents were right there for her when she became seriously ill. Now that she is better she sees them in new light, showering them with love and respect. Family has a much stronger meaning for her now.

So how do young parents establish respect, stability, and love so that their children will grow up with strong family bonds, ties that in turn foster trust, permit risk taking, and  encourage communication?

The answer starts with the three Ls…. listen, listen, listen without judging. When a child feels heard he is being acknowledged as a valuable human being it demonstrates that he  or she is respected, and that goes a long way to gaining a sense of self worth. Self affirmation in turn gives the child freedom to express feelings and beliefs.

Listening does not mean lying down and just accepting everything you hear but it does imply that you are going to accept that your child has a right to an opinion.  If you do not particularly like or agree with what is being communicated my suggestion is to breathe deeply and take a moment to insure that your blood pressure and adrenaline are down. Train yourself in the art of not “flying off the handle.”

By thinking through your reaction and taking whatever time is needed to clarify your response, it becomes easier to develop a rational way to discuss the issue. In other words, stop and think before shouting.  A reply at first might be, “that is a lot to take in, let me think about it and get back to you by this afternoon or tomorrow.” 

By responding later without anger you are demonstrating that your child has been heard and that you are willing to take his or her arguments into account before integrating them into your own values, finances, and commitments. The ensuing discussion is more likely to be a pleasant one even if the child is disappointed at the outcome. 

Family members may need each other from time to time throughout life but it is very difficult to ask or offer help if a relationship has not been established early.  As a parent or grandparent you may ask yourself what else you can do to develop truthful dialog. If you are usually negative then you can be sure that you are not going to hear about the trials, tribulations and happiness that are part of your child’s day.  Most kids just clam up.

I have heard some of my friends admit “I just don’t understand my child!” or “That is not who I thought he was.”  Relationships don’t just  “go bad” and a bad situation does not have to stay that way.

There are other friends who enthusiastically acknowledge that they communicate with their children regularly. They take pride in the fact that they are “very close.”  These lucky parents are fortunate for it is likely that their children will be there for them as they age or face difficulties.   Tit for tat can be a good thing.  Best of all, the joys will be there for you to enjoy as you continue to share life’s adventure.