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THE BLAME GAME - - Readying for a fight

THE BLAME GAME

After writing my last newsletter about overcoming adversity, I found myself thinking about William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus. Its closing lines have stayed with me for years:

"I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul." 

Those words remind us of a difficult but liberating truth. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond. That is why I struggle when I hear someone say they drink, use drugs, or gamble because another person stresses them so much that they "can't help themselves." Stress is real. Heartbreak is real. Trauma is real. But none of these removes our responsibility for the choices we make. There are healthier ways to cope than self-medicating.

Guilt and shame often drive people to justify destructive behavior. Rather than facing painful truths, they search for someone or something else to blame. During my years of counseling people struggling with addiction, I found that many became remarkably skilled at explaining why everyone else was responsible for their actions. What surprised me most was that many hated the loss of control. They were embarrassed by what they had done while intoxicated and often shocked when family or friends described their behavior. Yet that very lack of awareness became another excuse to avoid taking ownership.

I remember treating a twenty-one-year-old man who insisted he didn't have a drinking problem. Although he agreed to enter a rehabilitation program, he believed none of what he learned applied to him. Two years later he called me at home. Through tears he told me he had caused a car accident that killed two young women. Yet he still insisted it wasn't his fault. He explained that he had attended a séance where a medium claimed to contact the two women. According to her, they had forgiven him and wanted him to know he bore no responsibility.

My heart broke for everyone involved. Whether the story was true or not wasn't the point. Forgiveness, if it exists, never erases responsibility. Until he accepted ownership of his actions, he had little hope of changing his life.

Blame is one of the mind's most powerful defense mechanisms. It protects us from painful truths by convincing us that someone else is responsible. If someone else caused the problem, then someone else must solve it. As long as that belief remains, there is little motivation to change.

Alcohol and drugs are not the only addictions that destroy lives. Gambling, compulsive gaming, pornography, and even work can become unhealthy obsessions when they consume relationships, finances, and personal responsibility. The object of the addiction changes, but the pattern of denial often remains the same.

The workaholic who blames the demands of the job for neglecting a spouse or children is no different from the gambler who promises that one more bet will solve the family's financial problems. Both sacrifice the people they love while convincing themselves they have no other choice.

Science helps explain why addiction is so difficult to overcome. Repeated substance use or compulsive behavior changes the brain's reward system. Activities that once brought joy—time with family, friendships, meaningful work, exercise, or serving others—begin to lose their appeal. Cravings grow stronger while judgment and self-control weaken. People continue using despite devastating consequences.

Understanding these changes helps explain addiction, but it does not excuse it. Recovery begins when a person stops blaming others and accepts responsibility for the next decision. That decision may be frightening, but it is also the beginning of freedom.

Family members often become victims as well. They walk on eggshells, wondering which version of their loved one will appear today. The addict may be kind and attentive when seeking money, forgiveness, or another chance, then become angry, manipulative, or abusive when confronted. Conversations become battles. Truth becomes distorted. Eventually family members begin questioning their own judgment.

Healthy boundaries are essential. You can love someone without accepting abuse. You can care deeply while refusing to carry responsibility for choices that are not yours. Though stress is real, it never excuses irresponsible behavior. The blame belongs to the person making the choice, not to those living with the consequences.

The encouraging news is that recovery is possible. Every day people reclaim their lives by facing the truth instead of running from it. The first step is not perfection; it is the courage to stop making excuses and begin taking responsibility.

Henley wrote Invictus while enduring tremendous suffering. His poem is not about denying pain but about refusing to surrender to it. None of us chooses every hardship we face. Some burdens are unfair. Some wounds are deep. Yet we still choose whether we will become bitter or better, whether we will blame or grow.

In the end, we may not be masters of our circumstances, but we remain responsible for our choices. That is what it means to be the master of our fate and the captain of our soul.

Invictus  By William Ernest Henley 

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

References:

Website. (2026) Why do Alcoholics Blame Others. The Discovery Village. Retrieved from https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/why-alcoholics-blame-others/

Website (2026) Common Ways People with Addiction Manipulate Others. Gatewayy Foundation. Retrieved from https://www.gatewayfoundation.org/blog/common-ways-addiction-manipulates/

Art is always for sale on my website. First Fight can be found at https://www.eichingerfineart.com/workszoom/1356530/first-fight#/ 

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Jennifer Russo and her husband's poor communication skills cause their problems to spiral out of control in Antheia in the Thorns. After the death of her infant daughter, Jennifer retreats from the world, consumed by grief. Only through time, support, and a renewed sense of purpose does she find her way back. Her healing becomes the source of her courage, proving that those who have suffered deeply are sometimes the very people best equipped to stand up for others. For thrillers about social justice and the environment, turn to the Rightfully Mine series. Eichinger books are available on AMAZON.