loving art, science and creative kids

Hope, Love, Survive 

Safety Nets of Love

A friend, whom I shall call James, discovered that his son-in-law had left his 38-year-old daughter for another woman.  Overnight she had become a financially vulnerable single, working parent. James left his affairs hanging in Portland and flew to New Mexico to rescue his daughter and two grandchildren. He showered her with love without questioning what had happened or giving advice.  Confused about what to do next, she accepted her father’s offer of temporary shelter and moved north.  His compassion and secure financial situation ensured she wouldn’t stumble along on shaky legs. She was offered a job within three months, but it took a year for her to become emotionally balanced and able to cope on her own. Several years later she fell in love with a man who appreciated what it means to be a family.

  Only half-joking, my partner says,  “When the kids reach 60, they’re on their own.”  I don’t agree, for life keeps demonstrating that no one is ever on their own. Each of us live a teeter-totter existence balancing finances, health, and love. Fortunately, most parents prioritize care for their children over all else, whatever their age. 

  It is not unusual for traumatic situations to occur that we're not prepared to deal with. Relatives who live in close proximity are able to provide a safety net for kin when troubles occur. It is not as easy for those who move great distances where friends have to be nurtured to take over the role of close relations. Doing so is awkward for many people for it involves reaching out and giving back.

  I’ve observed that friends are rarely as committed to stepping in as biological relatives, especially if their help is needed for an extended period. My partner and I invited a homeless youth to live with us. We mentored him for five years and embraced him as a member of our family. After becoming licensed as a commercial painter, he fell from scaffolding and broke his neck. We had to put our lives on hold and cater to his needs. Though not legally our son, he was ours emotionally. There was no hesitation on our part about our role. He was fortunate to have our help and that of excellent therapists for that type of assistance is not there for those living on the streets.

  It saddens me when I hear someone say they don’t get along with a parent, child, or sibling. I believe it is the responsibility of parents to teach their young ones that they too have a responsibly for the well-being of their family. Children have to be coached on how to get along with relatives even when it is not easy to do so. 

  The learning process starts in an atmosphere of open and honest communication. One way I stayed in touch with our children while working was through a problem box. When neither my husband or I were around, they wrote notes about what was bothering them and put in the box.  After dinner, we brought the box to the table. As a family we considered ways to solve their problems. By putting  feelings out in the open, our children gave us a platform to analyze issues from a variety of perspectives. No one ever stomped out of the room in anger or frustration at the way they were treated, and I do believe the discussions helped my five children become good communicators who support each other now that they are adults. 

  Having a close-knit family involves paying attention to the three Ls—listening, listening, listening. It also is having the patience and giving time to problem solving. Children who are heard feel valued and acknowledged for who they are. When a child’s concerns are taken seriously, it is a direct demonstration of a parent’s respect and love. 

  As a young mental health professional, I was called to a hospital emergency room to see to teen who had attempted suicide. She was sixteen years old, Catholic, pregnant, and afraid of disappointing her parents. When they found out, her parents were more anguished to learn she would rather kill herself than seek their advice. That she was pregnant was less of a concern. With the situation in the open, the family  discussed their options rationally and agreed that an abortion would be in her best interest. Without a history of honest and open communication, their troubles were compounded when the unexpected happened.

  I’ve heard adults say, “I don’t understand my relative, don’t like their beliefs, and don’t want anything more to do with him or her.”  Those are pessimistic statements, for you can still have a good relationship though not concur with the person’s lifestyle or beliefs. It is possible to agree to disagree about certain issues and enjoy picnics and soccer games together. Relationships are complex and are a long time in the making. Since we need people in our lives we can rely on, it is worth putting in the effort to make them work. The Blue/Red divide in the country is nonsensical. There is more that unites us as human beings than sets us apart. 

  Millions of individuals depend on the government for care based on statistical calculations rather than love or compassion. The award-winning movie Nomadland describes how a vast number of American seniors take to the road when they lack the financial resources, family, or companions to enable them to retire at home. Many learn quickly that social security does not provide enough money to live on.

  There comes a time in everyone’s life when assistance will be needed from a friend or family member. The time to think about that eventuality is now—don’t wait.  Reach out and discuss the parameters of a helping relationship with close friends and/or relatives.  And, when thinking about where to live, consider residing in places that emphasize community and provide safety nets woven by love and companionship.

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Hope, Love, Survive was painted after my 15-year-old-son was diagnosed with cancer.  He is fine today.  Acrylic on Canvas 40” x 30”/ $499.

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