loving art, science and creative kids

The way you behave towards others usually reflects the how you were raised as a child. It behooves parents, relatives, and friends to see that children grow up with empathy and know how to act with compassion and good manners.

I Dare You

My husband and I were waiting for the traffic light to change when two young adults crossed in front of our car. As they passed, they banged on the hood, glared through the window, and gave us an insulting hand gesture. Disgusted, we wondered what pleasure they got from aggravating us and why they decided rude behavior was acceptable.

Though this is not the first time I was treated badly on the streets, the encounter made me question where "I owe you nothing" and "I dare you" attitudes come from. No longer do strangers pass by with a friendly nod or say "Nice Day" as they did ten years ago. Courtesy and pride in service have all but disappeared along with helping attitudes learned in scouting clubs, churches, and schools.

I remember a bus driver who went out of his way, idling the city bus he drove while I ran home to get a book I forgot to bring to school. Another time, when I arrived at the Philadelphia airport a few minutes after my plane had left the gate, the pilot stopped on the runway and waited for me to be driven to a staircase hastily put in place so I could board. That was customer service I'll never forget.

When faced with bullies, I can't help but wonder what type of family life they were exposed to as children. Did their caregivers shout and hit them excessively or was bad behavior simply ignored? Were parents too lazy or tired to issue a time-out or to supervise their child's punishment? Did they remind their children to say please when they wanted something and to thank those who helped them or gave them a gift?

Teaching youths to care about others, to aid those who need assistance, and to be considerate is a responsibility many parents ignore. I am especially concerned when adults working away from home are unable to hire caretakers who can manage when their children misbehave. An adult exhausted at the end of a day doesn't want to discuss negative behavior and supervise punishments when returning home. And yet, though it is not fun, an important part of parenting is paying attention to discourteous conduct and not letting it continue.

Children can be self-centered and at times mean, and yes, they do need disciplining from time to time. But parents can't resort to angry responses that serve only to ingrain abusive behaviors they bestow on other people. Good conduct and manners have to be taught without a heavy hand.

At the age of five, my sister was unpleasant to have at the dinner table. Eating with her fingers instead of a fork, she wiped them off on her clothes and created a mess. She resented being told she was dirty and wouldn't comply when asked to use utensils. Rather than punishment, I bought her white gloves to wear during meals and made a game that challenged her not to soil them. The game worked. She got the idea and her table manners improved.

Pets are helpful aids in teaching compassion, an emotion that contributes to developing an empathetic adult. I know of a private high school catering to wealthy, often spoiled children, that assigns freshmen a horse to care for. Through the following four years, it is the teen's responsibility to feed, groom, and exercise the animal and make sure it stays healthy. The teens come to realize that caring for living creatures takes time and effort. The adolescents become attached to their animals as bonds between horse and student blossom.

It is not necessary to go to a private school to get a pet. When my children were young, we had a rotating menagerie of gerbils, fish, dogs, birds, and cats. The kids were required to help with daily care, and though I admit that the animals also required time from me, the effort was worthwhile. A neighbor went a step further when she erected a chicken coop in the yard and asked her children to feed the birds and clean their cages. After a few "why do I have to do it?" complaints, the tasks became routine, and the kids had fun searching for fresh eggs before breakfast. The chickens roamed in the yard while they were outside playing and the children trained them to jump on command. Watching the family chase the hens when they escaped their cage, provided great amusement for the neighborhood.

Small living quarters don't have to stop a youngster from experiencing what it is like to for an animal. One of my granddaughters volunteered for an organization that trained service animals that were taken on visits to seniors in retirement centers. She was responsible for the dog she was assigned. She bonded with her animal and also developed warm feelings for the elders she served. Seeing smiles on the faces of lonely people gave her pleasure and added to feelings of self-worth.

Pets play a role in helping children evolve into responsible, kind adults. They are a stepping stone that guides them to care about humanity. Having good manners evolves from the ability to feel empathy towards other living things. Though children still have to be coached in how to comport themselves in society, the job would be made easier if good behavior was rewarded not only by parents but by family, neighbors, friends, and teachers as well.

An African acquaintance confided that when visiting a school buddy in Ghana, his friend's parents were more strict with him than his own. It was the custom in his country to follow the adage that it takes a village to raise a child. Living in an empathetic society where people show courtesy and have good manners, and enjoying communities where strangers are greeted politely and not bullied, will happen when society recognizes there is a problem we all have to take responsibility for solving.

REFERENCES: 

Lipson, G. (2004, 2013) Two Sides to Every Story. Grades 5-9. Teaching & Learning Company a Lorenze Company. ISBN 978-1-57310-439-5. Box 802, Dayton, OH 45401-0802. www.LorenzeducationPress.com. 

Black, R (2019) How to Teach Your Children Manners” Essential Lifeskills your child needs to know. Second Edition.  Celestial ARC Publishing. ISBN-13: 987-15544679990

 I look forward to your comments below.