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Friendships emerging from COVID

Anais Nin wrote, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." She implies that joy, companionship, and growth come from friends influencing how we experience the world. A colleague once advised me that it takes twenty years to make a friend. The comment seemed extreme, but as I've aged, I've given it more credence. Strong friendships are a critical part of our well-being, but they take nurturing and time to develop.

Zack, the twenty-year-old homeless boy I write about in Over the Peanut Fence, made street-friends instantly. After spending a few hours with a new arrival, he would call the youth a friend, an indication that he was open to knowing the person better. Over the following weeks, the relationship was tested by observing the youth's willingness to share his limited resources. If he had cigarettes, he was expected to offer some to his friends. If she pulled in ten dollars begging, she bought the pizza and gave her friends a slice. When the person was known as someone willing to share, he or she was valued and could expect to receive favors and help in return.

Loyalty grows quickly in an environment where individuals share experiences and hardships. Hearing other people's stories helps homeless youth realize they are not the only ones to have suffered. Street-friends help them take small steps towards trusting people again. If caught stealing, the youth will take all of the blame, never tattling on friends involved in a hoist. Though these relationships develop quickly, they are lost equally as fast. Those who choose to leave drugs behind or decide to return to school, for instance, have moved on to a lifestyle that no longer supports the habits of former acquaintances. Rather than lose their friends' trust, they disappear.

Children tend to make friends easily. School, camp, clubs, and sports teams where time is spent with people their age, spurs fast friendships. Adults, unfortunately, find it more difficult to create enduring relationships. They don't happen automatically as they did when in school unless put in situations where they have to depend on one another, as in the military. For adult intimacy to deepen, it requires intention, time, and effort. Though progress may be slower, growing acquaintances is a similar process to the one homeless youth experience. It involves giving something of yourself before you can expect something in return.

Strong friendships are built on a foundation of sharing, honesty, and trust. Rock climbers and combat soldiers have to trust one another for their lives depend on it. That is not the case in most situations, but it is in some. If a person becomes ill, divorced, traumatized, or elderly their survival often depends on the willingness of a friend to help out.

Research presented in Psychology Today shows that friendships have mental and physical benefits that contribute to self-esteem, greater happiness, a sense of purpose, lower blood pressure, and a longer life span. A University of North Carolina study concluded that having numerous friendships is most beneficial during adolescence and old age. Middle-aged people are less affected by the number of friends they are connected to but more concerned by whether the relationships they do maintain provide support or add strain. My relationships over time fit into their pattern. 

As a child, a college student, and a young adult I had lots of friends and enjoyed doing things with them. When a young parent, my husband and I expanded our friendship circle to include couples raising children. By middle age, when deeply involved in the work and care of older children, I spent less time nurturing friendships. The dinner parties and events I gave and attended were often related to work. Those I called friends were likely to be colleagues, board members, and professional contacts.

When leaving a position as president of an organization it is customary to leave work-friendships behind to let the new president bond with the staff and board. No one wants to take the helm with a shadow director over their shoulders saying the old way was better than the new. 

Friendless when leaving OMSI, I started the Museum Tour Catalog, imagining things would be different when the business sold and I retired. That was not the case, for the purchaser asked the staff not to socialize with me. To build close relationships anew, I had to proceed with intention and patience. I took pottery classes, socialized after exercising, became a lay minister, and talked to neighbors strolling by the house. Arranging for walks and luncheons with friends I hadn't seen for years required effort. It took several years to deepen these relationships, but the process was worthwhile. I slowly developed a circle of friends I could call on when needed and committed myself to do the same for them. When COVID-19 burst on the scene, however, it inhibited my traditional ways of interacting.

Studies show that during the pandemic younger more than older adults reported their friendships had suffered. Though elderly individuals expressed loneliness, younger adults and those less educated were hit harder. Men's friendships suffered more than women's because of the way they tend to interact with friends. In general, men enjoy doing things together like watching or playing sports. When together, they stick to concrete subjects while women communicate emotions more directly when conversing. These are stereotypes for sure, but Psychologist, Dr. L. Denworth claims they are based on cultural and biological truths. 

During the pandemic, people came to view friends as a source of risk rather than as a way to manage it. Instead of going to a friend's house to ask for help or get advice during the crisis, we spoke through masks and computer screens. We couldn't hug or comfort friends who were ill or lost a loved one or do the many little things that demonstrate to your friend that he or she is valued. Young people, especially, felt guilty for putting friends and family members at risk. Elders found it easier to slip into loneliness than find ways to make new friends.

There are exceptions, of course, for there are those who were determined to nurture their relationships through the pandemic. When they saw a serious need, they stepped up by leaving food on doorsteps, shopped for friends unable to do so, and called to find out how they were faring. Friends and relatives stayed connected as best they could through Zoom. They joined book clubs, writing groups, and gaming associations. Unfortunately, we have a society that values individualism. Determined to remain self-reliant, many find it difficult to ask for help though most friends willingly respond. It is the back-and-forth give-and-take that builds bonds.

As we heal from a year of isolation, it will take determination and time to rebuild relationships. For some, it will be as difficult to resume face-to-face interactions as it was to pull back from them during the pandemic. We are creatures of habit and find it hard to change. In the long run, to stay healthy, it will be worth bursting the bubble we were forced to be in. Re-establishing friendships requires us to emerge from our cocoons and let people know how we evolved over the past year before we can fly with confidence into the future.

References:

Franco, M. (2019)  5 Skills for Making Friends as an Adult. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/platonic-love/201909/5-skills-making-friends-adult

Denworth, L. (2021) How Friendship Has Changed in the Pandemic. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-waves/202102/how-friendship-has-changed-in-the-pandemic

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