loving art, science and creative kids

Elaine 

Nearing 80, she continues to read and take courses that challenge her mind. Rather than run from sadness she learns from it, appreciating the complexity of human nature. She laughs at her foibles and contemplates mishaps, knowing they are part of the cycles in life. She is loved, cared for and reaches out to hold others. Is she wise? I’d say so.

Acrylic on canvas/ 43” by 36”/ $699 

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”  ― William Shakespeare, As You Like It

I want to be wise!

What does it mean to be wise? According to Psychology Today, the word is difficult to define but easily recognized when encountered. It usually involves having sound decision-making skills that build from knowledge, experiences, and a deep understanding of life’s ups and downs. Wise people tend to be optimistic and believe problems are solvable. The article also says they remain calm when dealing with difficult situations. (I wish that was me.) By looking at the big picture, they bring a sense of proportion and introspection to their days.

I used believe wisdom would be my reward for living fully. I imagined being a respected elder whose judgement would be sought on a regular basis.  But, instead of being put on a pedestal, age greeted me with a surprise that keeps me on the ground. It made me wonder what “respecting your elders” is all about. Does it mean listening to old people lecture for hours about their childhood and past adventures? Does it involve staying silent and not challenging opinions if that are racist  and tinged with assumed superiority. Does it have to do with their usefulness and the money they have to give away?

When I got my period at the age of 14, I remember Grandma asking, “Did you fall off the roof?”  What? I thought. I was shocked by her question. “Are you kidding?” I answered, thinking she was weird and didn’t know squat about my world. No longer did she fit my image of a wise elder. But looking back, I wonder at my insensitivity. Falling off the roof was a popular phrase in the 1940s. She was trying to connect with me and find out how I was feeling. Instead of answering politely, I dismissed her for being old fashioned.

Grandma, however, was wonderful. She took me to plays, concerts and restaurants that served waffles smothered with chocolate mint ice cream. We waked miles on Atlantic City’s boardwalk and stopped to take in a movie when I got tired on the way home. Most important of all, Grandmother smothered me with love, embraced me as I was, and never made disparaging remarks about my behavior.

Was Grandma wise? Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist said, “The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” My Grandmother was not well educated, but she knew how to survive. Living through two world wars, a depression, experiencing great wealth and losing it to a thief who fled the country, made her strong. As a homebody she cooked, knitted, crocheted and did her part during the war by tending a victory garden. She welcomed three daughters and many grandchildren into her home every Saturday, sending us young ones off to watch Superman and Roy Rogers movies. I felt safe in her arms and learned the importance of commitment to the family. 

I find it difficult to watch young people disrespect teachers and parents for no reason other than impressing their peers. I worry about youth who believe they have greater insights than their elders and fear for a society that holds technology on a pedestal instead of human interactions. Too many teens and young adults are unable to see beyond the circle of friends who define their world. They willing ignore those not useful to their immediate well being. Rather than regarding elders as wise they view them as being advantageous. 

Young adults subscribe to a “cult of youth” that emphasizes independence and individualism. They commonly want privacy and to have their own  home. In their search for better employment they move around the country, leaving elders alone and devoid of longtime friends and family. Loneliness is complaint of those left behind. cultures see things differently. Other countries see things differently.

There is a general agreement that Native American elders are honored and respected by their families and communities. They are considered to be the keepers of their tribes’ language and heritage. Filial piety is considered the highest of virtues in countries with Confucian beliefs. Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans commonly live in joint family units where the senior person remains head of the household until death. These societies frown on those who put parents away in nursing homes. Children value history and respect those holding memories for they want to understand how events of the past were handled and their affect on the world today. 

In the United States, inklings of change started during the last recession. According to Pew Research Center a record 64 million (one in five) Americans live in multi-generational households. A 2016, U.S. census reports that In 1975, 25 percent of men had incomes under $30,000. That number is now 41 percent. The number of young female homemakers fell from 43 percent to 14 percent. In the 1970s, 8 in 10 people married by the time they turned 30— today, many wait until 45.

I know of four multi-generational households and wonder what will happen as the elders age. Will they be considered honored members of the household respected for their wisdom or a useless burden? One retiree acquaintance found herself stranded when no longer needed. Years earlier, her son had asked for help purchasing a home. She sold hers and gave him the proceeds to care for his expanding family. She moved to his house to babysit, fully expecting to age surrounded by loved ones. Once the children reached high school, however, she was no longer needed and asked to leave. Her money and heart had been turned over to her son’s family and she was left destitute. 

Parents make sacrifices for children, yet in the U.S. it is naive to expect grown adults to sacrifice to aging parents. Dementia rates for those over 65 fell from 11.6 parent in 2000 to 8.8 percent in 2012 and are still falling, yet they don’t realize that most elders retain sharp minds. Their wisdom comes from knowing how to strategize and examine problems from various perspectives. They have a deep understanding of human relationships and know not to panic in a crisis.

Since most elders willingly share, why not absorb the acumen they’ve acclimated over their lifetime? Look beyond archaic language, silly customs and their awkward embrace of technology. In the long run, those things don’t matter. How we live with each other does.

References:

What is Wisdom? Psychology Today. retrieved from web site at https: www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/wisdom

Life Wellness (2017) Cultures that Celebrate Aging and Respect their Elders. HuffPost. retrieved from ELDERS.

Lin,J (2010) Honor or abandon: Societies’ treatment of Elderly UCLA. retrieved from  Society 

Vespa, J. (2017) The Changing Economics and Demographics of Young Adulthood: 1975-2016 United States Census Bureau. U.S. Department of Commerce Economics and statistics Administration.  retrieved from Adulthood

Cohn, D. & Passel, J. I2018) A record 64 million Americans live in multigenerational households. Pew Research Center. retrieved from Multigenerational.

Kaiser Health  News (2016) Dementia rates decline sharply among senior citizens. Retrieved from PBS News Hour.  

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