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Family and Friends

acrylic on deep canvas/ 20” by 16” $399

Friends of different backgrounds, time and place open vistas to enrich your world.

Will You Be My Friend?

A Michigan acquaintance used to say “it takes twenty years to make a friend.” I think of his words often.  Moving across the country made me wonder if I would ever have friends who will withstand the test of time. I respect my youngest son who decided to stay living in Portland, and I am impressed by the rich circle of companions he continues to accumulate. They surround him with love. 

Though moving great distances deprived me of many of my close acquaintances, changing jobs also contributed to lost relationships. Several times when leaving a position, I was asked to refrain from contact with previous employees so they were free to bond with their new boss.

Anais Nin wrote “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Her words make me aware of wonderful friendships that opened vistas that changed my life.  For instance, a woman I cherish showed me what it’s like to live her talk.  She is passionate about community and environment. Most people I know acknowledge that human beings are abusing the earth, but few are willing to make a lighter footprint. My friend is an exception. She built a 1,200 sq. ft. home with thick walls that college volunteers helped insulate with straw and mud. She spends little on frivolities, grows vegetables and  participates in the governance of a co-housing community of like minded environmentalists. Residents share workshop space, art studio and community kitchen for their large gatherings. For the forty years I’ve known this woman she has lived consistently with her values. She continues to make a difference and part of me tries to emulate her. 

According to Psychology Today, strong friendships can decrease anxiety, bolster against loneliness and even improve physical health. The article reminds us that quality of time spent together is much more important than the quantity. Psychology researcher, Sarah Cavanaugh, writes of concentric friendship circles. Forty percent of a person’s time is allocated to just five people since it takes time and energy to maintain close relationships. Much effort goes towards what Dr. Cavanaugh calls mentalizing, mentally envisioning the landscape of the other person’s mind. I think of it as empathizing. She writes that when one person leaves this intimate circle another person in is usually added in to take his or her place. I feel she speaks for me, for when I moved, remarried  and befriended my children as they became adults, my group of five changed. 

The second tier or circle of friends are those we care about deeply and can rely on when support is needed. These are the people we let into our innermost thoughts, desires and feelings. I think often of a woman in this circle who helped me through an operation. Due to a genetic defect, I was hospitalized for over a week when I had my aortic valve replaced. For eight nights various family members were by my side at all hours.  One night, however, no one could make it. I would have been alone, when a friend volunteered to sleep on a cot by my side. I will never forget her kindness, and I will do anything for her in return. She is a friend who has been through the trenches with me and I have warm thoughts when thinking of her.

Looking further afield to the next circle are thirty-five close acquaintances. The one following maximizes out at about 150 contacts.  These are the people we call occasionally, send Christmas cards to and share a meal from time to time. Using technology, we stay in touch through instagram, facebook and text messages. We may call them friends though they don’t usually climb to the top of our friendship ladder. Social media, does however, keep these distant relationships going and many people feel connected and less lonely than they might otherwise be. I consider emails to be a better platform for sharing intimacies than social media sites. I know of a romance that started in a chat room, continued through emails and ended in marriage. 

In general, the circle comprised of 150 people belong more in the category of close acquaintances than friends. They may share pictures of the food they eat, their children and send selfies while traveling but their emotions are expressed through emojis and by “liking” rather than with hugs, conversations and shared activities. The likelihood they will be available to help you move, to care for you when ill or to be there if you lose a loved one, is slight. 

Young people brag about the number of on-line friends they have, but I question their definition of friendship. Those who don’t invest in face-to-face contacts or share experiences and intimacies, tend not to deepen their relationships.  And, if friendship circles aren’t replenished when depleted due to moves or job changes, there’s a strong likelihood that their old age will be lonely. Men who allow marriage and work to occupy all of their hours are especially vulnerable in retirement. They need to maintain same sex friendships throughout their lives as most women do.

 It doesn’t have to take twenty years to make a friend but it certainly does take time. When counseling elderly people, I notice differences between those who added and maintained friendships and those who let their circle of intimates become depleted. I see seniors who are frightened, lonely and unwilling to leave their homes and encourage them to trust the company of others.  It is a way to enrich life as Anais Nin suggested, for each new friend invites us to enter a world that never existed before we met them. Isn’t that worth the effort?

 References:

Cavanagh, S. (2017) Friendship by the Numbers, Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/once-more-feeling/201712/friendship-the-numbers

Clark,J. (2018) Social Media is Killing your Friendships. Healathline. retrieved from   

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-social-media-is-ruining-relationships#8

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