loving art, science and creative kids

 Rock Creek Awakens  (SOLD)

This garden is a place of serenity, beauty and happiness.

Shit happens

We like to think we’re in control of our lives, yet much of the time we’re not. Even when cautious, we move into the unknown, searching for opportunity. New challenges provide the spark that makes our existence interesting. 

Uncertainty starts at birth, for we are born with risk.  Modern medicine has made tremendous advances to protect the health of mother and newborn child, but complications still occur. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 15-20 percent of all U.S. pregnancies end in miscarriage, with 24,000 terminating in stillbirth. Roughly the same number of infants die in the first year of life. It doesn’t seem fair.

As school children, we skin knees on the playground, fall off of bicycles and scooters and suffer sports injuries. Yet, we are encouraged to get on the horse after being thrown to the ground. As adults we are not afraid to get in a car or ride in an airplane. We engage in activities we know can be dangerous and listen to tales of disaster that befall risk takers.

Twenty-four hour news outlets inundate us with natural and man made catastrophes causing people to lose homes, livelihood and families.  Calamities have the potential to affect each and everyone of us, no matter our income or where we live in the country. I wonder how I would react in the face of disaster.

Some people are energized by emergencies and are moved to action while others bury their heads in fear and isolation. Some stoically hide their grief while others will tell anyone who listens how stressed and unhappy they are. 

Traumatic experiences can lead to nightmares and the inability to carry on. Ramifications of PTSD are not easy to overcome. Sufferers say it changes them, yet most people are able eventually to return to a productive, happy life. Those who overcome catastrophes are resilient and manage to maintain a positive outlook for the future.

I explored genetic research into positivity and its opposites negativity and depression, eventually concluding that results are inconclusive. Many studies conclude there is an inherited predisposition for depression. However, that does not mean that a person with a genetic bias will become depressed. Much depends on the environment which has the ability to alter the genes that trigger genetic predisposing. Articles I read about depression and about positivity were speculative, with blurred conclusions. I would never choose a mate based on a genetic predisposition to depression or positivity. 

I do, however, choose to be surrounded by those who share a positive outlook, the glass is half-full type of people. The negative ones can wear you down, which is especially hard for empathetic people who feel their pain. One of the reasons I chose not to stay involved with mentally ill patients is that I ingested their unhappiness and brought their sadness home to my family and friends. Instead, I chose to focus on people and activities that bring beauty and joy into my life.

Seth, our young wheelchair bound son, is an example of the power of positive thinking. When first diagnosed as a quadriplegic, he would not tolerate visitors who were negative. I overheard him ask a man to leave his hospital room until he could speak in a more positive way. He took control of his environment and willed himself to  affirming what was good by smiling, joking and putting others at ease. As a result of his resiliency, friends and caregivers were happy to help him through his ordeal.

A great many people handle adversity well. I’ve seen seniors blossom after losing love ones they have lived with for fifty years and have observed unhappy divorced men and women reinvent themselves as independent, compassionate adults. The ability to move successfully past trauma, grief and despair appears in part to be a matter of choice. Victims chose to embark on healing journeys even when they don’t feel like doing so when they believe, that in the long run, all will be OK. Positivity propels them forward. Following are a few suggestions for those affected by trauma.

Overcoming trauma, grief, illness and death is by its nature a private trial. No one can really feel what you are feeling or know what you are thinking, but it generally helps to have someone hold your hand. Opening your heart to let others in and swallowing pride by admitting vulnerability is a step towards healing. 

One of my mottos is, “never worry twice.” Once is enough. Turn off the “what if” button of negative thoughts until the worry is real. Don’t spend time imagining something horrible that may never come to pass. Meditation or mindfulness practices can help focus the brain and control unwanted thoughts and bad recurring images.           

Surround yourself with positive, comfort giving people. None of us is an island standing alone. We are part of a community of care givers and care receivers. Each of us can be both. In time of need, take control by asking for help when you want it and requesting privacy when it's essential.  

Visit your happy place, a location that gives great comfort. It may be in nature, at the beach, the woods, on the water or a garden retreat. Happy places are where you feel safe whether alone, with friends, a puppy, a kitten or even a horse. They are where you can shout your anger and grief to the winds. I have two happy places, one is my art studio and the other is in the rock cliffs of Central Oregon. They are where I feel relaxed and my mind doesn’t wander to anything except the beauty I see before me. It is the place that centers me.

Exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet. Don’t let your body atrophy and don’t give yourself an excuse to gain or lose excessive weight. Comfort food is not comforting in the long run. Being conscious of what you eat and how you move about can help you regain control of your life.

Speak to those who have experienced a similar tragedy. It is important to see that you are not alone in your loss and to hear how others cope. Friends and family often harbor timelines about how long it should take you to get over a tragedy. Recovery doesn’t work the way these well meaning friends believe it should. Grief doesn’t disappear overnight, though frequency and intensity do subside. Over time, feelings of agony become less piercing pains, allowing the victim to find comfort.

Yes, unforeseen disasters happen, but you don’t need to wallow in their aftermath. By putting one foot before the other and accepting that you will emerge transformed and a bit wiser, makes it possible to rediscover purpose and find happiness.

References.

Pearson, C. (2013) Miscarriage Causes, rates Widely Misunderstood.Huff Post. retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/miscarriage-cause_n_4116712

Stillbirth web page (2018) Facts about Stillbirth. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html

Eldridge, L. MD (2018) What it Means to Have a Genetic Predisposition to Cancer. Verywell.  retrieved from https://www.verywellhealth.com/genetic-predisposition-2249105

I look forward to your comments below.