loving art, science and creative kids

Searching for Truth

Truth will eventually emerge. Lies will be uncovered. There are always consequences.

 24” x 18”x1.5”/ acrylic on Canvas/ $350

Me too? You Too? Not My Kids

 The number of women seeking counseling for sex abuse increased 400 percent last week. I was reminded of the clients I assisted when I worked as a mental health professional. But, they also made me think of the women I had to help later in my l\career.  A great many woman suffer from abuse.  It was hard to their stories, but also difficult to advise them in how stop unwanted advances before they became a monumental problem. The world of work carries its own challenges.

For instance, One thirty-seven-year old woman recently opened a consulting firm that was making headway in a national market. She had a few contracts with major conglomerates and was on call 24 hours a day to help them handle difficult personnel issues. She gave speeches at conventions, wrote a book and made all of the right moves to be recognized as an expert. Standing in her way, however, was  a competitor, an well established older man who threatened to blackball her if she did not sleep with him. The woman was happily married with two children and had no desire to attend to the mans sexual needs, yet, she needed his support to further her business goals. She wasn’t sure how to maintain a working relationship without giving in to his demands. What would you do? 

I advised her to confront him head on— to tell him how much she enjoyed his attention but that she was happily married and not interested in an affair. She was told to then flatter him for his knowledge of the field and ask if he would be willing to provide advice from time to time. They went on to have an collegial relationship built on mutual business interests.. 

Another woman was a department head in a small business funded primarily by men who formed the company’s board of directors. The woman was tall and blond, and attracted the attention of the director of a fortune 500 company who had invested $ 200,000 in the start up.  At the end of a late meeting, the man offered to walk the woman to her car. As she opened the door, he grabber her and planted a wet french kiss on her lips. He asked he to meet for dinner the following week. The woman, was disgusted and did not want to go near the man again. However, her position required them to occasionally interact. She decided the best thing to do was be direct. She explained she was married and not interested in an affair but flattered by his attention. The president of the start up was made aware of what happened and she was assured that they would never seated near him again.

I had several personal experiences as well. At a meeting with a newly elected board chairman, I was asked to define our future relationship. He wanted to know if  the right to join me in bed went  along with the job as chair. At the time, I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. He was serious, but at least he asked. I told him no, that especially since he was in a leadership position we could not have an affair. My goal was to keep him actively involved with the organization without damaging his ego or my privacy.  I am still amazed that he thought his position entitled him to my body.

All of the women mentioned were shocked at being considered a sex toy. In similar situation, many women freeze and  get in trouble because they are unable to respond quickly. They fear that they will lose their livelihood if they don’t comply. As children they were never made aware that someone might try to abuse them and as a young adult the subject remained taboo. When I was younger, girls and boys were not taught their legal rights, how to respond to abuse or how to fight back. Thank goodness the these issues have come to the forefront. I do hope they will not be ignored in future generations.

Many children are sexually abused in childhood. Girls have a 1 in 4 chance and boys a 1 in 6 chance of being molested before the age of 18. Those with disabilities are 2.9 times more likely to be abused than children without a disability. Most children do not report their abuser. To combat this problem parents need to speak to their children so they will be willing to share situations that make them feel uncomfortable.  My parents never talked to me and I was shocked and ill prepared to faced a “Me Too” event. And, though I taught my children about sex, respect and what makes a good relationship, it never crossed my mind to discuss abuse. The “Me Too” movement changed my thinking and I now suggest that abuse become a topic for family discussion.

Parents who routinely teach their children traffic safety rules need to add sex abuse discussions to the docket. They need to start when their children are young (4 year olds are often molested) and learn names of private parts (no cute names) the they are taught to say ears, nose and toes. They need to be able to communicate clearly to you, teachers, and a doctor if necessary. If they learn a pet name (like my kit cat) people may not know what they are talking about.

It is important for children to feel loved and to know that their parents want to keep them safe which is why they are being taught that their private parts are theirs to control. They need to learn that no one should touch them even if  promised that it will make them feel good. Bathroom or stall doors should be closed, public restrooms locked, and nudity restricted to bedroom or bathroom.  As soon as possible a chid should be taught how to clean their private parts themselves.

Parents should not force children to kiss or hug anyone they don’t want to and children need to understand that secrets are not kept from parents. No matter what the child says, he or she must be told they will be believed and the truth will never get in trouble.  Explain that there are people who threaten children by saying something bad will happen to them or their parents if they say they tattle tale. Children who are abused feel vulnerable, powerless and conflicted. Talking calmly, answering questions and showing children that the subject is not taboo is a path for open communication.

As children enter high school alcohol, bullying, and date abuse can be added to the conversation. Many schools have sex ed classes though they often don’t discuss abuse. Even if they do, these conversations  belong in the home as well. Topics should touch on verbal consent before sex and the importance of developing a caring relationship. Sex should not be seem as a route for popularity as it is for many teens. 

Workplaces are also fraught with abuse and harassment. Many, but not all, companies have policies in place to deal with inappropriate behavior.  Equal opportunity laws such as the Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act and the Age Discrimination Act prohibit harassment, abuse and discrimination in the workplace are the basis for most policies. Even so, abuse occurs. Young adults will avoid pitfalls if their parents willingly discuss workplace abuse. The more a youth knows about the ways predators act, the less likely he or she will freeze and respond inappropriately.

It is impossible to be prepared for every scenario, nor do we want to raise fearful children. Most people are good, but some are not, and being naive does not help when faced with evil.  I recommend that high school girls and boys take classes in self defense, karate or Judo. Students can learn to assess threats and sharpen reaction times. 

I am glad that the subject of abuse is out in the open. The time to learn respect for one another is now. 

Kim,S. (2014) 10 ways to Talk to Your Kids  About Sexual Abuse. Every Day Feminism Magazine. retrieved from https://everydayfeminism.com/