loving art, science and creative kids

The Three Sirens

What do these women want in a man and how does a man attract

and keep the woman he desires? The process is not always easy.  Instead of hiring

a matchmaker people go on line and hope algorithms can do the same.

Acrylic on Canvas/ 12” by 36” / 4350

Toxic Man

It must be confusing to grow up as a sensitive yet vibrant young man. Social media tells them to be good, compliant partners while films and TV shows display “manly-men” who are ambitious and assertive.

While working at a community health center, I had a client who told me he masturbated ten or more times daily. The man was a good provider, never ran around with women and put his wife on a pedestal, calling her a madonna. Though she bore him several children, in his mind, she remained virginal. He was happy as long as she showed little interest in sex. When she began enjoying herself he was unable to cope. He never understood why she had an affair with another man and asked for a divorce.

I’ve spoken to men who feel that they're in a no-win situation. An article by Jeremy Nicholson in Psychology Today says that men who come on strong are labeled as jerks not worthy of love or respect, yet if they are “good guys” they are thought of as friends and ignored as potential long-term partners. In a keep-your-hands-and-dirty thoughts-to-yourself environment, innocent flirtation has developed connotations and that make men confused about what social norms to follow. 

Many men are afraid to date because of changing practices. Do they open the door to let the woman through first? Do they pay for the cost of the meal? Do they kiss after a first date? What about sex? According to Hall & Canterberry, 201, men who are attractive are more likely to get a sex-partner, but also more likely to be called a “player” or “creep. A young acquaintance was stronger. She says the current vernacular is  to call them “ f..boys.” They may get sex but not love and respect. They may work out, watch their diet and cut their hair at expensive salons, all to find a sex partner, but their strategy doesn’t work for the long run.

When asked, these charming men say they want their women to be physically attractive, sexually-selective, and have a pleasant disposition. And then there are the “good guys,” the ones who attract a partner but can’t keep them because after a while they are viewed as boring.  They worry about their partner losing interest and cheating on them, but don’t know how to maintain a dynamic relationship.

Some men have such high standards that they try to do it all. They invest in themselves, work to stay attractive and treat their partners equitably. It can be an exhausting task. It is a constant effort to maintain this plateau and requires patience, but they believe the rewards that come from long term involvement are worthwhile.

And then, there are those who opt out of it all. They spend their time doing their own thing by burying themselves in work and trying to be happy. For entertainment they play video games, attend sporting events and go to late night parties. When older, these men may find themselves socially shamed, for they’re thought of as having not grown up. Suddenly, at the age of fifty, they discover that living alone is not so wonderful. 

I realize how concerned men are about this issue. A few weeks ago at Starbucks, I overheard a man say to another, “I don’t want to be a toxic man.” I thought it a strange comment, and wondered what he meant. What is a toxic man and why was he worried about it? Sounded terrible.

I  realize now that I’ve been out of touch with the times for the phrase is all over the internet in articles like ,”Let Go of the Toxic Men in your Life,” or “6 Things That Happen When you Love a Toxic Man.” I explored further.

One website talked of partner poison, which made me wonder if there’s an antidote. Though written for women about men, the concept applies to both sexes. Also, after observing political and business leaders, I believe that toxicity is rampant throughout our society. It is good to recognize pitfalls if we are going to solve relationship problems, so below is a list of things to watch out for.

1. Do they always have to be right, to the point of ignoring your opinions or feelings?                

2. Do they refuse to apologize for misdeeds, almost as if they allowed to mistreat others without consequences?                                                                                            

3. Are they extremely critical and judgmental-their way or no way?                              

4. Do they belittle you and, in other ways, make you feel as though you’re never able to do it right and not good enough?                                                                                    

5. Are they always the victim?                                                                                          

6. Is everything always about them? They have to be the center of attention and will go out of their way to bring the spotlight back onto themselves if another achieves something positive or becomes the object of sympathy.                                                 

7. Are they manipulative, always bringing the focus back around to what they want and need?                                                                                   

8. Do they force ultimatums or make you demonstrate your love and loyalty through sacrifice or expectations of gifts, taking their side, or lavishing them with affection and praise?                                                                                                                             

9. Are they disinterested in your activities, accomplishments, and ideas?                    

10. Do you feel that this person brings more drama and chaos to your life than benefit or pleasure?                                                                                                                        

 11. Do you feel that it’s impossible to please them?             

 12. Do they fail to take control of their own actions (e.g. “I wouldn’t have to get angry if you didn’t act that way”)?

What are your choices if you are partnered to a person who treats you without respect? You have two—leave him (or her) or set strict boundaries, keep your eyes open to manipulation and develop a strong sense of self. You are not a bad person though the person will try to make you feel like you are. If both parties look at themselves honestly, these issues can be worked through, eliminating the need to worry about attracting and keeping a life-partner.

1. Nicholson, J. (2012) Why are Men Frustrated With Dating? Psychology Today, retrieved from  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201204/why-are-men-frustrated-dating

2Hall J.A., & Canterberry, M. (2011). Sexism and assertive courtship strategies. Sex Roles, 65, 840-8532. Cade,A. (2017) Is this a Toxic Relationship?

 3 Ways to recognize Partner Poison. Divorced moms.com. retrieved from https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/divorce-warrior/is-this-a-toxic-relationship-12-ways-to-recognize-partner-poison/

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