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Elaine -  Always in my heart 

Forever Friends

A friend once told me, “It takes twenty years to make a friend.” It’s the experiences and intimacies shared over time that build trust. Though he has a point,  I believe the process can occur more quickly.

Zach, our adopted homeless youth, considered everyone he met on the street to be his friend. It didn’t make a bit of difference if he had known the person for an hour, a week or ten years. Bound by lack of shelter and abusive childhoods, street kids form instant attachments. He and his acquaintances need a family to help them survive. "Instant" friends stand up for one another, at times foolishly, but always without hesitation.  Following is a story he shared. It is included in Over the Peanut Fence.

“About midnight, some kid would shout, ’you can spend the night at my place.’ Fifteen of us couch drifters might follow the invite. We would get there and party. When we got tired, we would find a place to sleep on the floor. If we got lucky, we got a piece of a bed or the sofa. Lots of times other people in the building would knock on the door or walls complaining of the noise.” 

One evening, Jenny, a friend of Zach’s, had an apartment that became such a place. Jenny and two girlfriends shared the cost of rent, but when ten kids arrived for the evening, her roommates were not at all happy. As a party got underway and became increasingly raucous, they became angry and told them to leave. No one paid attention. Drugs and alcohol were passed around making the roommates even more upset. Finally, they called the police. 

“Me and a friend were outside smoking at the time enjoying fresh air when we seen a police car approaching. We ran inside to clean up.” 

When asked why he went back and didn’t run he said, “You never leave your friends hangin.’  It’s the first law of the streets.”  Zach continued with what happened after the police arrived.

“All of a sudden I realized,” Zach said with a crooked grin, “that we had cleaned the apartment but forgot about what we was carrying on our bodies. I had a wad of pot in my pocket ready to be used in my soda-pop pipe. The bulge was so obvious that the cops cuffed us immediately. That’s when they found that my friend was carrying heroin and I got really scared. The police grabbed us roughly, ready to take us to the station and charge us for possession of illegal drugs.”

“I went crazy and screamed that I never used heroin. Luckily, I was backed by Jenny. The only thing the policemen had on me was possession of a small amount of marijuana so I was let go, but they were angry because I was belligerent. I was given a $1,200 ticket while my buddy was pushed out the door and taken to jail.” Zach had not met the boy before that evening and never spoke to him again once he was taken away.  His interpretation of friendship was culturally different than  mine. 

Russian blogger Aliya Sagandykova writes, “When I asked my Spanish friend if it is better to have $100 in the wallet or 100 friends in life, he without a second of hesitation, chose $100. In post-Soviet countries this dilemma is not a dilemma at all. There is an old saying in Russian: ‘Instead of having 100 rubles, better have 100 friends.’” Russian literature abounds with proverbs and stories about the importance of being a loyal, affectionate, mutually trusting and faithful friend. 

For years, Sagadykova resided in Spain, observing that though friends socialize and share drinks and time together they have a barrier that keeps them from getting involved in problematic situations. People are on their own to find solutions and friends have no responsibility to come to their aid. 

  Though the United States also has proverbs glorifying friendship, Sagadykova sees American as having  activity specific friendships. For instance, they may have a golf, music, or book club friend but not see the individual outside that relationship. She believes we make friends easily but forget them just as fast.  

  Katja Kaila says that in Finland, friends are exclusive and you are careful with those you bring into your life.  Friendship is a commitment that takes serious thought before it is allowed to occur.  Leah Lochart of France believes America friends allow people to escape from norms and do unsociable things like getting drunk or taking undo risks, while French friends keep each other within norms by stopping unacceptable behavior.

  Cultural differences around friendship shape minds and direct behaviors. Sociological studies often divide friendships into two categories based on  individualism vs. collectivism. For instance,  Zach was attracted to the collective, a group of homeless and runaway youth that gathered in city parks. The group had rules that were followed rigorously.  Gangs, fraternity and sorority members, and church congregants act similarly.  Members are bound by mutual obligation to rules of the collective.  

  Please understand that these divisions are overly simplistic. Variations within regions are also influenced by religion, history, education, and socio-economic strata. However, the majority of Asian, African, South American and Pacific Islands cultures are highly collectivist while American, Europe, and Australia cultures are more individualist, emphasizing personal identity, wishes, desires, autonomy, and values over that of the group.  Individualist societies tend to focus on self-fulfillment and prioritize personal rather than in-group goals.  Individualists choose to enhance self-esteem and self-worth through association with selected groups. Sociologists say that those participating in collectivist cultures tend to have fewer though closer friends than people who live in individualist societies.  

  I’m reminded of a  song I learned in elementary school that still influences me today. 

Make new friends but don’t forget the old,

One is silver and the other is gold.

I cherish friends, old and new, and as with family, feel connected to them whatever their circumstances, wherever they live. I trust them and never viewed our friendships as burdensome obligations. The love and compassion of my close friends, provides  security that enables me to act foolishly at times. I know they will continue to care for me despite my missteps. They support me when I take risks and spur me to love on with fervor.

References:

Sagandykova, A. (2014)The Importance of Friendship in Different Cultures. top Universities. retrieved from https://www.topuniversities.com/blog/importance-friendship-different-cultures

Kaila,K. (2017) How does the notion of friendship differ across cultures? Quora.retrieved from https://www.quora.com/How-does-the-notion-of-friendship-differ-across-cultures

Alex Bae, Y (20103) Differences in Friendship qualities of Korean and American College Students. Illinois Wesleyan University Honors Project. retrieved from  http://digitalcommons.iwu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1000&context=psych_honproj

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