loving art, science and creative kids
3/30/2018 12:55:49 PM
Power of the Universe-Solar Systems
The planets revolve in their orbits, focused on only one ask. We can depend on them to continue, at least in our lifetime.
Acrylic on Canvas 16 x 20 x 0 $299.00 USD
Multitasking--Do You?
When asked, I proudly tell people that I am an accomplished multitasker, but I recently became aware of research saying that I am not. I ride an exercise bicycle and watch TV while doing so. Isn’t that multitasking? I imagine I might be a better cyclist if I was not distracted but I would probably get bored and give up after ten minutes.
A receptionist answers the phone while greeting visitors, a parent talks to a child while preparing dinner, and partners have sex while making mental plans to see a lover. Aren’t they doing two things at one time? I once observed a very successful canvas artist work on eight, 4 by 8 foot canvases spread out on the floor of his studio. He added colorful pigments and details while moving from one to the next and back again. He was fast and working on so many at once permitted paint to dry while focusing on the next canvas. I was impressed by his ability to develop unique creations. When finished, though, he did not have eight masterpieces. One was exceptionally good but the rest were mediocre. He sold them all--which was his intent.
As do most working executives, I thought of myself as a multitasker for I was able to move rapidly from one subject to the next. An hour could easily be filled with 10minute meetings on topics ranging from a broken plumbing pipe, budget and insurance issues, discussion around marketing to interviewing a prospective employee. If someone interrupted me for an emergency I was able to handle it and then turn back to the topic I had been working on. I labeled this behavior as multitasking. What I haves since learned is that most of us think we are multitasking when we aren’t. I wasn’t do two things at the same time, but rather was compartmentalizing my mind. I was a fast shifter. Each activity required complete attention and it was easy for me to go back and forth quickly.
This skill is not easily transferred to art work or writings. To paint, I need 100 percent focus on what I am doing. It is not possible to select a color, put a dab on a brush , and apply it to a canvas without complete attention. Young children who are less focused, leave art sessions with with paint on their clothes or spilled on the floor. I attest to having cleaned up quite a few messes.
For nearly all people, in every situation, multitasking is near impossible. The neuroscience presented is clear. We are wired to be mono-taskers. Attempting to do two things at the same time is an illusion for most of us.
Over the past ten years many businesses downsized to become a lean and, in some instances, a mean workplace. As employees dwindled, loads increased, requiring workers to do more, producing short term effectiveness and long term disasters. When overworked, people become stressed, develop migraines, and suffer adult ADHD according the the American Management Association. The young man Ray and I mentored was injured on the job, in part, because management worked him physically 10-12 hours a day, six or seven days a week, month after month. His manager kept challenging him to man up, go faster, paint while balancing precariously. Since it is easier to move without wearing a heavy harness, he took short cuts and was rewarded with praise for being efficient—that is until he fell from scaffolding and became a quadriplegic.
One of the keys to successful mono-tasking is to slow down, not speed up. Learning to do move from topic to topic and place to place quickly takes time. The brain and muscles have to be well trained in order to switch from one activity to the next without getting overloaded. Multitasking is a misnomer for doing any task well requires full attention to the project at hand. What effective managers learn to do efficiently is to switch between tasks quickly. Basically, they single task with intention, often using cheat lists to store enabling information. And—most importantly—they know to take brain rests. They use the full amount of time allocated for lunch and work breaks in order to turn off their mind.
I am always impressed with the skills at-home parents develop by caring for children, cleaning, and engaging in social and community activities. To accomplish a multitude of tasks they develop organizational and time management abilities that rival those practiced by corporate managers.
So, can the brain do two things at one time? The estimate is that 2 to 2.5 percent of the population are capable of doing more than one complex thing at a time. One of the tasks is usually automatic, like walking or tying a shoelace while talking.
When activities are unrelated, the two hemispheres split the labor, with each side taking on a task. However, both tasks tend to suffer and errors greatly compound, for neither has the brain’s full attention. For instance, those walking briskly down a street become slower when they talk. You seemingly can cook and talk on the phone at the same time but not efficiently. A third goal will get discarded altogether by the prefrontal cortex.
One Stanford University study showed that those who believe they are the best multitaskers are actually the worst, for they are chronically distracted and find it difficult to focus. Multitasking is more wasteful than it is timesaving. The more we multitask the less we are able to accomplish because we lose the ability to focus enough to learn. According to an article by Kabu and Machado, “empirical research has demonstrated that multitasking with technology (such as texting, listening to music, checking emails) negatively impacts studying, doing homework, learning and grades.“
So, yes, we can practice switching from one task to the next quickly and no, you will not be multitasking. It is unlikely that you will ever be able to do two things at the same time and do them well. Learning to concentrate may be why Mindfulness training has become so popular.
References:
Secrets of Multitasking: slow Down to Speed Up. (2018) American Management Association. retrieved from web site http://www.amanet.org/training/articles/secrets-of-multitasking-slow-down-to-speed-up.aspx
Goodman, N. (2013) How to Train Your Brain to Multitask Efficiently. Entrepreneur. retrieved from https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/225865
Glowatz, E. ( 2016) Do You Struggle with Multitasking? Why The Brain Can Only Focus on one thing at a time. Medical Daily. retrieved from http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2010/04/multitasking-splits-brain
Telis, G. (2010) Multitasking Splits the Brain. Science Magazine. retrieved from http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2010/04/multitasking-splits-brain
Kabu,C. & Machado, A. (2017) Why Multitasking is Bad for You. Time.retrieved from
http://time.com/4737286/multitasking-mental-health-stress-texting-depression/
3/24/2018 1:17:48 PM
Western Blue Bird
It is spring, a time when birds come together to produce and care for their offspring. All creatures have a need to be connected to others of their kind.
Acrylic on canvas/ framed/ 20.5” by 24.5”/ $375
Social Isolation-Crisis of our Time
Recently, an elderly acquaintance of mine was alone in a hospital room when his heart stopped beating. There were no friends or family around to hold his hand through his illness nor to mourn the moment of passing. When younger, this man led a vibrant, engaged ilife. He loved to travel, give thought provoking talks, party with friends, and enjoyed interacting with a wide circle of work colleagues. By his waning years, however, most close friends were gone and he was left stranded and alone. He had no children and his few relatives were either ill or had died years earlier.
Serving as a lay ministry at the Unitarian Church in Portland made me aware of the growing tide of people who are socially isolated. About one-third of Americans over 65 are alone with their anxieties, depression, and health issues. The friends and family members they assumed would always be there to help them as they aged are dispersed throughout the country and unwilling or unable to care for their needs. No one calls or stops by to chat. Those who lack children, friends, or counselors have no companion with whom to share the ups and downs of daily life. Feelings of loneliness often become a trigger accelerating cognitive decline and premature death.
As a student of human behavior, I am aware that social isolation is not exclusively a problem of the elderly, for it increasingly plagues youth and middle aged Americans. Health professionals consider isolation a growing epidemic with severe mental, physical and emotional consequences. Some of their studies show childhood isolation to be the cause of poor health twenty years later.
In the United States adults become isolated for many reasons. When moving to a new community because of a job opportunity, they often become immersed in work, not realizing how important it is to reestablish close friendships. In other instances, friends or family members do the moving, leaving the person behind with feelings of abandonment. Drug addiction, mental illness, sexual orientation, abuse and poverty cause some people to turn inward rather than share the embarrassing truth of their situation. Their problems are likely to push close acquaintances to withdraw their love and support. After all, who wants to deal with a drug addicted friend or one who is depressed? Not fun.
My greatest surprise was discovering the growing problem middle aged men face with loneliness. According to studies by Judy Chu and Niobe Way, obesity, smoking or lack of exercise are not the biggest threats to middle aged men, but isolation is, and it threatens their health. Their situation is linked to increased risk of cardiovascular disease, stroke, and Alzheimer’s. I started to wonder how active men slide into social isolation so I did a bit of investigating. What I discovered is, of course, not true of all men, but the number experiencing isolation is increasing at a rate that alarms health professionals.
I learned that when men are in their thirties and forties, their high school and college buddies start taking a back burner to work and family. Male contacts become limited to those whose paths they accidentally cross while at work or in the locker room. Their tendency is to have more casual relationships which are harder to maintain. By not nurturing close friendships they start to slowly drift into social isolation. According to a Boston Globe article, a contributing factor is a belief that talking about personal matters with other men is not manly.
Adding to their difficulties are changes in the job market that cause growing numbers of men to lose employment while in their fifties. As is often the case, advancing technologies make their skills obsolete. They are let go without the wherewithal to train for a new profession. Even when they do, younger managers prefer not to hire older applicants. Those employed in physically demanding jobs develop aches and pains as their bodies wear out. They need more time to rest from injuries and not as fast on their feet as they used to be. Eventually, they too are let go.
Without work, men feel rejected and marginalized—no longer needed. Years of focus on work left little time to develop hobbies, relationships, or for involvement in meaningful community activities. Not knowing how to occupy their time productively leaves them at loose ends and initiates a downward spiral that leads some to drink, take drugs or sit around the house watching sporting events for hours.
To prevent this progression from happening, it is important that they develop and maintain activities with other men throughout their lives. Bonding relationships need to be nurtured and strengthened over time. Wives and girl friends should encourage them to do so. Unlike women, who can keep a friendship by simply talking on the phone, in general, men become closer when sharing activities. Hooking up with others to play cards, attend sporting events, or go hiking is more comfortable.. Relationship building, however, requires sharing and a willingness to show strong emotions. This is difficult for many men for they have been taught since childhood not to show or talk about feelings. Men who avoid social isolation in later life are those able to overcome homophobic fears and make time for male companionship.
When women feel isolated they become lonely and depressed while men in a similar circumstances are more likely to become angry. A Psychology Today article notes that married women are lonelier than their husbands, but men feel lonelier when they are single. Makes one wonder about the reasons for marriage.
Since women tend to be more social and concerned about the quality of one-on-one relationships, they more easily maintain closer contacts outside of romantic ones. The number of close friends they need in their life are small. The links they have to other women are few and the label “friend’ is applied sparingly. Unfortunately, when a close relationship sours, it is felt deeply and its end is mourned for a long time. Though depression may follow, most women seek out someone else with whom they can share their feelings.
Men react differently by staying silent and keeping their emotions bottled inside. Their feelings of alienation are lessened when their friendship group is dense. The group, rather than an individual, is their buffer to the loss of a close friend.
Being connected to others is a fundamental human need. According to AARP’s Loneliness Study, 42.6 million adults over age 45 suffer from chronic loneliness. 1/4th of the population lives alone. 1/2 are unmarried, and over the past half century the number of children per household has declined. Multi-generation families no longer stay together. But the need for human contact is as strong as it ever was.
In order to avoid health pitfalls caused by isolation, society will have to recognize the health implications and give greater prioritization to human connectedness. We can start by offering social skill training in elementary grades with programs continuing through 12th grade. The medical profession can also help by encouraging patients to maintain active social lives and warning them of potential consequences of not doing so. Preparations for retirement should focus on social as well as financial well being. Community developers can play a major role by promoting shared social spaces that encourage gathering and interaction. Recreation centers, community gardens, tennis and bocce ball courts, community art centers should be within easy reach of everyone.
Social isolation is a major public health threat in need of serious attention. Let’s not sweep this one under the rug.
References:
Khullar,D. (2016) How Social Isolation is Killing Us. The New York Times. retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/22/upshot/how2Disolation2Dkilling%2Dus.html
Ashbrook,T. (2017) Middle-Aged Men Need More Friends. On Point http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/08/22/middle-aged-men-need-more-friends
Green, M. (2017) The Terrible Price of Our Epidemic of Male Loneliness. The Good Men Project. retrieved from http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/08/22/middle-aged-men-need-more-friends
Asatruam.K. (2016) 3 Surprising Truths about Gender and Loneliness, Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201601/3-surprising-truths-about-gender-and-loneliness
American Psychological Association.( 2017) Social isolation, loneliness could be greater threat to public health than obesity. Science Daily. retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/08/170805165319.htm
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Art is always for sale. Contact me at [email protected].
3/17/2018 7:02:21 PM
Dear Friends: I would need your input. Following is the introduction to Over the Peanut Fence. I need to know if you would read a book like this. Your comments are invaluable to me at this time. Will you take a moment to respond?
Send comments to [email protected].
I am playing around with covers as well. Following is a potential one though it may not be our ultimate selection. It will help you understand the gist of the book. Would you pick up a book with this cover? Please be honest and tell me if it is appealing or not.
Introduction
This is a tale of awakening, of learning to pay attention to shadows. It’s a quest to understand the lives of youths who struggle to survive—neglected, abandoned, homeless—living in hidden worlds far from the guarded, landscaped communities of social convention.
These youths are present at the periphery but rarely at the center of attention. Over a long and multi-faceted career, I frequently encountered homeless youths and, sometimes, their families, working to accommodate their needs so they could be included. More recently, I came face to face with the greater picture, the one in the shadows, the full immensity of the daily challenges faced by just one of these youths and I began to question, thus this tale.
As the former president of two museums and as owner of a catalog company, I interacted with people from diverse socio-economic backgrounds and saw that the damaging effects of poverty are many and, at times, tragic. Even newly housed people face difficulties. Isolation behind closed apartment doors can be depressing for those used to socializing on the streets.
It was not until my partner Ray and I agreed to house Zach, a 19-year-old boy who survived four years living on the streets, that I became aware of youth homelessness. Though we knew Zach as a child, and threw peanuts over a fence to amuse him and five other siblings locked in their yard, we lost track until we saw him wandering aimlessly in Portland. He was ill, so we took him home for a week to bring him back to health and he wound up staying for five years. Over time, he became more literate, gained self-confidence and developed skills as a journeyman industrial painter.
Zach’s plight made me curious as to why youths are taking to the streets in record numbers. I wondered if stemming the growth of youth homelessness is possible. Teens run away for many reasons including poverty, drugs, mental illness, pregnancy, abuse, sexual orientation, and natural and man-made trauma. In each instance their developing brains are impacted. Care providers focus on interventions to help them become calm and improve their self-esteem.
Over the Peanut Fence is part memoir and part storybook about homeless youth, agency leaders, and volunteers. Tales are personal, like that of Kate Lore, who as a child, with her mother and sister, was locked out of a comfortable home and left to reside in poverty. Narratives explain how teens negotiate city streets in search of places to sleep, socialize, and eat. They reveal how much fun it is to be free from abuse and to meet others like themselves, and they tell of the depression that takes over when they see that their future prospects are poor.
As I shared information with friends, I soon realized how little most people know about youth homelessness. They, like I used to be, were quick to label street people as lazy, thieves, and drug abusers without understanding what brought them to their current circumstances. Fed by erroneous media reports, they believed that street youth are dangerous and commit violent crimes. Their perception is far from the truth. Rather than perpetrating crimes, homeless adolescents tend to be victims of criminal behavior and neglect which, in turn, toughens them up in order to survive.
Accordingly,“A recent study in Los Angeles puts a finer point on this information. Interviewing hundreds of street youth, homeless advocates found that 46% of boys and 32% of girls take part in "survival sex." Of that group, 82% prostituted themselves for money, 48% for food or a place to stay, and a small group for drugs. A Hollywood study also found that half of the street youths sampled sold drugs. But interestingly, only one-fifth of that group--or, one in ten of all street youths--sold drugs to support their own habit. The rest sold drugs as a means to earn money for food or shelter.”
Living on the streets is a relatively new phenomenon. Though there has always been mental illness, addiction, and domestic violence, widespread homelessness started in the 1970s, when the country stopped providing public housing for the mentally ill and the poor. Policies initiated by Nixon and Reagan continued under both Republican and Democratic presidents, worsening as the economy declined in 2007. Large numbers of unemployed adults began to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. Often, depressed parents became abusive, neglected their children, causing them to take to the streets in record numbers.
I believe that government entities are unlikely to provide adequate funding, so the private sector will need to pick up the slack. Volunteers, schools, church groups, and youth agencies will have to join together and coordinate their efforts. Four years of research have provided me with reasons to hope. We can end youth homelessness because there are a great many people involved who care. Though cautiously optimistic that this societal problem can be solved, it will only happen if you and I step forward. This book is a call to action.
(Please do not reproduce without my consent.)
3/10/2018 7:03:21 PM
Down Covered Baby Owl with Mother (sold)
Is an owl wise? According to western folklore, the owl is wise, silent and solitary. It is associated with lunar deities—symbols of wisdom. It is also the animal representation of Athena, Greek goddess of wisdom. In India, however, owls are considered dumb and foolish. They have a small brain for their size. It may be that their big eyes and a serious look make them appear smart. Their laser-like vision and excellent hearing, however, allows them to easily catch prey.
Hope for Wisdom
“Between hope and despair, choose hope. It is harder to bear.” These words written by Boris Novak speak to me. They seem especially poignant in a time of discord when so many people wonder how to blend divergent view points. Hope. . . for wisdom.
All of my life I’ve dreamed, wished, and hoped. When I was young I hoped to get older quickly, when older, to feel younger. As I aged, I wanted to be wiser.
I didn’t have to do much to bring about my first wish. Birthdays marking the way were not under my control. Feeling younger was another story, one that required work. Exercise, turning away from ice cream sundaes and eliminating stress remain ongoing challenges.
But wisdom—that is my elusive hope. How does one go about becoming wise?
Wisdom is defined as a process of integrating experience, knowledge, and good judgement. It involves accepting the uncertainties of life and knowing how how to make decisions that maintain a sense of balance. In general, wise people are optimistic, believing that life’s problems are solvable, and thus they remain calm when faced with difficult decisions. They are able to see the big picture and to apply a sense of proportion to the situation. In other words, they have the ability to think.
Some think of philosophers as wise, in part, because they were the first to coin the name Philosophy that implies that they are smart thinkers. The word comes from Greek roots, philo-sophia, which means “a friend of wisdom. Philosophers supposedly practice their love of wisdom.
Men like Socrates, though, struggled with the concept of wisdom, believing that it starts with wondering about a topic and later admitting ignorance. Knowing the limits of knowledge is difficult. Socrates once said, “I do not think that I know what I do not know.” Socrates was humble and also aware that many of his beliefs were uncertain. Time might well prove them wrong. He thought true wisdom could only be possessed by the gods, not human beings.
Despite Socrates nixing mortal wisdom, I still hoped to become wiser with age and wondered how to go about doing so? Studying the attributes of those I consider wise was my starting point. Each person I investigated was certainly well experienced. Some were old and others young but all were kind and insightful beyond their years.
Wise people are like sponges, soaking up lessons wherever they go. They also are able to see the obvious, that which is right in front of them, their relationships, and knowledge of their own mortality. They engage in mind games to balance self-interest with the beliefs of others and they look at both short and long-term perspectives. Wisdom brings with it the ability to adapt to changing situations and environments.
People who live long lives are survivors. They probably had to face one type of trauma or another at some time along the way but they didn't succumb to their dire situations and become depressed. Instead they grew from their difficulties. And, they relied unashamedly on the strong support network they previously assembled to help them through bad times.
Most of us see those with wisdom as compassionate and tolerant of differences. They seek self-understanding which helps them recognize boundaries that separate their own biases from those of others. They accept that each person lives at the center of his or her own universe, realizing that individuals see, have goals and priorities, and make responses that vary from their own.
Having wisdom has many benefits besides the ability to make good decisions. Psychologists associate it with higher life satisfaction, better relationships, less depression and fewer negative feelings. Though not related to intelligence, it is related to a level of well-being. It is also interesting to note that wise actions can be influenced by relationships. People tend to be wiser among friends who help them see other perspectives—the big picture.
Now that I put words to my desire for wisdom, it is up to me to learn how to be so. It will not be easy. Gathering facts, reflection and analysis of even the smallest decision. takes time. Judgements will have to include the impact my decisions will have on others. Will my footprints contribute to the greater good?
If I hope to be wise, perhaps, like Socrates, acknowledging how little I know will be my first step.
References:
Brindle, B. (2018) 10 Wildly Wrong Animal stereotypes. How Stuff Works. retrieved from https://animals.howstuffworks.com/animal-facts/10-wildly-wrong-animal-stereotypes7.htm
Wisdom: 2018. All about Wisdom. Psychology Today, retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/wisdom
Westacott, E. (2017) Socratic Wisdom. Thought Co. retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/socratic-wisdom-2670665
Rusnell, Q. (2016) If Philosophy is literally the love of wisdom, then how do you define wisdom? Quora. retrieved from https://www.quora.com/If-Philosophy-is-literally-the-love-of-wisdom-then-how-do-you-define-wisdom
Pearson, C. (2014) 7 Secrets of Wise People ( And How to become one . . . Now) Huffpost. retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/08/wisdom-tips_n_5086606.html
Hammond, C. (2017) What is wisdom? And can you learn it? BBC. retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20170124-how-to-be-wiser
3/2/2018 1:13:01 PM
Eva
A tear moves slowly down her cheek as she sits quietly waiting for to see what the future brings.
Acrylic on Canvas/ 40” x 30" / $599.00 USD
Five Years to Grieve?
Grief. It happens to us all at one time or another so we should not be surprised. People die, friends move, divorce occurs and accidents change lives. How we deal with grief is the challenge, for loss can be enormous and almost unbearable.
When my mother died in an automobile accident, I cried uncontrollably for days. Her death was so sudden and it took years before moments of intense sadness stretched into weeks and eventually months. Forty years later, I still miss her. Divorce affected me similarly, for it was also a death. I plunged into darkness and it was a good five years before I felt warmth in the light. In both cases, however, I continued living fully with the expectation that happiness would return one day to fill the empty pit in my gut.
When mass shootings occur, I grieve with the families for nothing can prepare a parent for the loss of a child. They must feel as though a piece of them has been taken away.
When a friend lost one of her twin babies shortly after his birth, she sank into a depression even though she hardly knew the child and still had one lefte to care for. Her psychologist aid that it was not unusual for grief to last five or more years and advised that she continue her activities until they once more came naturally.
Death of a close friend can be as devastating as losing a sibling. Feelings of abandonment, loneliness, fear and insecurity coalesce with sadness and grief. If the friend has shared life changing events with you, their loss can be so severe that it affects daily living. A roller coaster of emotions can give way to numbness and lack of energy. When a sibling dies, those remaining have to reorder their relationship with those still alive. Feeling a loss of innocence is common as is guilt for having survived.
When a grandparent dies, it may be the first time a chid encounters the death of someone significant. Intense surprise or shock may induce sadness, anger, rage, and a insecurity. Though the intensity of losing a grandparent or sibling may be great, oft times sympathy and caring offered by friends and family is inadequate for the grieving child's need.
Sad emotions do not go away easily. Unfortunately, many supportive people distance themselves after being around a depressed person for a period of time. In many cultures, laws and customs push grieving people into new roles before they are ready. Religions and cultural groups, attempting to regulate the process are more likely to do so with widows than widowers.
According to my father, Jewish men are supposed to remarry at the end of a year of mourning. His friends began suggesting he do so even before my mother's funeral was held. According to Jewish law, "The duty of marriage is discharged after the birth of a son and a daughter (Yeb. 61a). Still no man may live without a wife even after he has many children (ib.). Women are exempted from the duty of marriage, although, to avoid suspicion, they are advised not to remain single (ib. 65b; "Yad," l.c. 2, 16; ib. Issure Biah, xxi. 26; Eben ha-'Ezer, 1, 13; see Woman)".
In the old days, when a man died without leaving children, his brother had to marry the widow. The custom was a way of insuring economic security. It is still the law in Israel today, though not always practiced. A woman and brother-in-law who choose not to marry are supposed to participate in a ceremony where the woman kneels, removes a special handmade shoe from the man's foot, spit on the ground next to him and recite a verse that frees them from their obligation to marry.
Death does not always end the marriage. In India, for example, widowhood can mean a "social death." Without a husband to support their children, widows lose their status and are consigned to the margins of society. In recent times, most countries have enacted laws to protect women but customs in religious groups may take precedence. Some Hindu women shave their heads, no longer wear a red dot theirr foreheads, and will not display jewelry. In the old days she was expected to walk barefoot. Thank goodness the custom to throw herself on her husband's funeral pyre is outlawed.
In some third world countries such as Nigeria, a woman is expected to have sex with her brother-in-law or another male-designate after her husband's death. This ritual cleaning by sex is supposed to ward off evil spirits and keep her children from suffering. Though most women find the practice repugnant, refusal can subject them to violence. They may be forced to drink water that the corpse has been washed in, confined indoors for up to a year, prohibited from washing their bodies for months, and be forced to sit naked on a mat, ritually crying and screaming at specific times, day and night.
Orthodox Christian women living in parts Russia, Czechoslovakia ,Greece, Italy and Spain customarily used to wear black for the remainder of their lives after losing a husband. Though this practice has mostly died out, there are Immigrants to the US who still don black as a show of devotion.
Christians often ask religious leaders if they stay married in heaven after death. The idea provides solace to those who have been in long time committed relationships. What I read says that a woman is free to marry if her husband dies. According to Jesus, in Luke 20:34-36, there are no marriages in heaven. Marriage is a legal contract and does not make it to heaven, for according to the bible, "marriages here are a foreshadowing of the event that is to come when we are joined together with Christ our God forever."
Muslim customs can vary by community. According to Shykh Saalih al-Munajjid, after death the widow has to practice Iddah, and wait four months and ten days before remarrying. Husbands are instructed to bequeath a year's worth of maintenance and residence in case of death. During the time of mourning a widow may not wear decorative clothes, apply kohl to her eyes, use perfume or sleep outside her house unless afraid for her own safety. She is still required to take care of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, children, etc. If a family member other than her husband dies then mourning lasts no more than three days.
Psychiatrists in the United States tell us that grieving is a process that is uniquely different for every individual. Grief tends to come in waves of emotions that move between anger, disbelief, sadness, and even happiness. Kubla-Ross, in her pioneer study of death, spoke of five stages to grief, not necessarily in a specific order. She mentions denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Sometimes grief leads to an untimely death of the remaining partner. Known as the widowhood effect, mortality rates are known to rise during the first three months of a spouse's death. As one spouse's health declines the surviving person may stop taking care of his or her own health and becomes ill as well. Men, over 50 are at greater risk than women, though income and wealth do make a difference. Without the support of family and friends, lifestyle habits tend to worsen. Men especially, eat poorly, forget to take medications, stop exercising and do not sleep well. They are less proactive than women in seeking solace.
I wrote this article because a number of my friends have recently lost loved ones and I want them to know that I am here to support them for as long as they need me. One thing I am trying to absorb as I age is patience, but I also know that those who dwell too long on their miseries find it hard to over come them. Making motions towards normalcy can be a difficult first step towards healing. Engaging in a cause, like gun control or raising money for cancer can also help with the healing process. It is a way of turning tragedy into a meaningful endeavor that will positively affect the next generation.
References:
Schecter, S. & Greenstone,J. (1906) Marriage Laws. Jewish Encyclopedia. retrieved from Laws.
Death and Dying (2018) Widows in Third World Nations. retrieved from Widows.
A Voice in the Wilderness (2011) Marriage after Death: Can we be married forever. retrieved from Rulings.
Saalih al-Munajjid, M. (2018) Rulings on the mourning of a woman whose husband has died. Islam Question and Answer. retrieved from Woman.
Condolence (218) What are the Stages of Grief? Learning Center. Grief and Coping. retrieved from Stages.
Jegtvig,S (2013) Widowhood effect strongest during first three months. REUTERS. retrieved from, Widowhood.
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Art is always for sale. Contactd me at [email protected].
