loving art, science and creative kids
11/18/2017 7:44:17 PM
Meet the Blockheads
Acrylic on Canvas with glossy polyurethane finish. 26” by 22” / $385/ framed
Those fortunate enough to be showered with love during their childhood are likely to become healthy, well adjusted adults.
Without Love, What?
The following passage is taken from the manuscript of Over the Sticker Bush Fence: Scaling Barriers for Homeless and Runaway Youth. In this section I discuss what happens to children who are raised in loveless surroundings. The book is presently under consideration for publication by a well known publisher. It is not too late to comment and I look forward to your insights.
In my naivety, I assumed that love was instinctual and that every newborn, no matter how poor, is a recipient of parental attention. Without some level of care a helpless infant could never survive. But I quickly learned that feelings of responsibility vary from person to person as does emotions elicited by love.
From the manuscript.
“The majority of us are fortunate for we are surrounded by loving parents and relatives. As infants, family members held and cherished us and as adults, we find partners and form bonds based on love and mutual respect. But what happens to children who are never caressed or told that they are special? What are the long-term effects of never having being touched and cuddled? What befalls those children who are physically abandoned, left on door steps or placed in cribs and not attended to when they cry or diapers need changing?”
“A cornerstone study about infant neglect was initiated in the 1980s when Dr. Nathan Fox and colleagues from Harvard Medical School, walked into an orphanage in Romania. Due to a recent ban on abortion, the number of orphan babies had soared. 170,000 children were placed in 700 overcrowded and impoverished facilities across the country, staffed with an insufficient number of caretakers. Though the facilities were clean, the infants were emotionally neglected. Left day and night in their cribs, the babies were changed periodically and fed without being held. The nurseries were eerily quiet places. Since crying infants were ignored, they stopped making sounds. No attention—no cries—only silence.”
“Dr. Fox followed these children for over fourteen years. During the early years of the study, autistic-like behaviors such as head-banging and rocking were common. As the children grew their head circumferences remained unusually small. They had difficulty paying attention and comprehending what was going on around them. Over time, 50 percent of the children suffered from mental illness. They displayed poor impulse control, were socially withdrawn, had problems coping and regulating emotions, and were shrouded in low self-esteem. They manifested pathological behaviors such as tics, tantrums, stealing and self-punishment. Poor intellectual functioning caused them to have low academic success.”
“Those children lucky enough to be put in a caring foster home before the age of two were able to rebound. Unfortunately, those who entered foster care at a later age were not so lucky, for they were permanently damaged.” . . . .
“Without repeated acts of love, a child’s brain doesn’t make the growth hormone needed for proper mental and physical development, leaving the child permanently scarred. Even small insults of shame and rejection can impact a youngster’s ability to develop in a healthy manner. Verbal abuse from adults who say such words as, “I can’t believe you would embarrass me like that,” or “You Idiot! Who do you think you are?” hurt and affect a child’s self-esteem. This type of verbal abuse can lead a child to be cruel to animals, set fires, take drug, and self-withdrawal.”
"Parental warmth and love are crucial for a child’s well-being. Writing for Psychology Today, Christopher Bergland concurs that “Toxic childhood stress alters neural responses linked to illness in adulthood.” He writes of a 2013 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences where researchers examined the effects of abuse and lack of parental affection across the regulatory system. They discovered a biological link between negative experiences early in life and poor health in later years. The brains of unloved, neglected children are permanently affected. Their stress levels are high, setting the stage for elevated cholesterol levels, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndromes, and other conditions that pose a serious health risks.”
“The study was able to document what most healthy families have always known, that children need to be showered with love and kindness and live in a welcoming environment. Love is what helps youth develop defense mechanisms that provide a buffer from abuse and trauma.”
“A good example of the importance of early love is found in Zach’s story. He was loved as a child even though neglected and at times abused by parents high on drugs and alcohol. That he was occasionally smacked and at times not fed, was not as important in the long-run as knowing he was wanted. He was fortunately part of an extended family that lived nearby, so when the situation became intolerable, he often found shelter with relatives. This early attention sustained him through difficult times and made him able to transition as a caring individual.
“Those growing up without the gift of love are not so fortunate. “Charlie” was left alone in his crib for hours on end. When he cried there was no-one there to pick him up and comfort him so eventually he became silent. His diaper was changed irregularly and rashes developed causing more discomfort. While being fed, a bottle was propped on a pillow by his mouth while he lay still in his crib. He rarely felt the warm arms of a loving adult. He remained listless and grew slowly, learning to sit and crawl months after what was developmentally appropriate for his age. By the age of two, he was more like a one-year-old. Over the years “Charlie” never caught up.”
* * *
Parents, there is no such thing as showering your children with too much love. However, I share a cautionary note. Love is not to be confused with spoiling. It does not equate with letting the child do anything he or she wants to do. Parents are responsible for teaching their children the social and cultural mores of society. There are times when “tough love” is called for in order to instill responsibility. But love may also mean, picking your child up over and over again each time he falls down.
References:
1. Nelson, C. & Fox, N. & Zeanah, C. (2014) Romania’s Abandoned Children, Deprivation, Brain Development, and the Struggle for Recovery, Harvard University Press.
2. Parks, G. (2,000) The High/Scope Perry Preschool Project. U.S. Department of Justice; Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. retrieved from https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/181725.pdf alsoRand Published Study http://www.rand.org/pubs/research_briefs/RB9145.html
3. Bergland, C.( 2013) Parental Warmth is crucial for a Child’s Well-being. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201310/parental-warmth-is-crucial-child-s-well-being
4. Smith, D. Effects: of The Lack of Attachment. Addictive Behavior Counseling School Student Lecture notes. retrieved 2017 from http://www.darvsmith.com/dox/lackofattachment.html
11/11/2017 12:35:52 AM
Aunt Martha
An unfulfilled life led her to drink, causing her children to suffer.
acrylic on canvas/ 30” x30”/ gold frame/ $ 399
Social Justice
“Life has a way of repeating itself, transferring experiences through time from one generation to the next,” said Kate Lore, who at the time was Social Justice Minister at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Portland, Oregon. “As an adult, I’ve worked hard to break the conditions and mindset of poverty experienced by my ancestors, but doing so has not been easy. This is due not only to the lack of resources but to a culture of shame and secrecy. It’s as if part of my destiny is being controlled by unnamed family ghosts.
“The story of my father’s side of the family dates back to Monticello, where my Irish forebears served as indentured servants of Thomas Jefferson in return for passage to America. These farmers eventually paid off their debt and slowly migrated westward, first to Minnesota and then to California. Generation after generation lived hardscrabble lives, never owning the land they farmed, never getting a good education but always working, working, working. Many of these relatives could be characterized as bad apples. Unspoken shame still permeates the family relating to the fact that my father was the product of a forced incestuous relationship between his teenaged mother and her cousin. Also, my paternal grandfather never met his son nor me because his entire life was spent locked up in prison. Though I know he eventually died of cancer, I’ve never found anyone who would tell me what he had done to land behind bars.
“Knowledge of my mother’s family dates back to the Dust Bowl. Though I tried, I never found a relative willing to talk about the past. What I do know is that my mother’s family shared many similarities with my father’s. They were poor, hardworking tenant farmers who migrated west in order to feed their family. They, too, ended up in California, seeking a better life. But like characters out a John Steinbeck novel, Mom’s side of the family migrated to Monterey’s Cannery Row to work the anchovy canneries. I still carry memories of Cannery Row. It was the era before it became a tourist destination: the smell of fish and stale booze, the site of rusted boat hulls and passed-out-winos and the sounds of seagulls screeching over the next incoming fish haul are captured in my mind. Industrial Cannery Row faded over time and eventually the cannery jobs did, too. My grandparents never escaped the poverty and alcoholism that has plagued and continues to plague, my mother’s family.
My parent’s lives came together in the mid-fifties. They met as young adults in church, both eager to break free from their families of origin and have good lives. Married in 1957, their first child came along three years later. Tragically for my sister and me, their love did not last long. By the time of my birth, Dad was having an affair with another woman.
Born in 1960, I was unaware that my parents were not doing well as a couple. At six months of age, Mom moved her children to join Dad in Tanzania where he had accepted a teaching job. She hoped by doing so that his affair would end. My sister, who was then three and I spent the next several years speaking Swahili and living among people native to that land. I found out later that during the entire three years we lived abroad, my father had continued corresponding with the woman with whom he’d been seeing before we left. But the final shock did not set in until we arrived back home to the San Francisco airport. My mother still had luggage and children in hand when my father turned to her and said; “ This is where we part ways. I’m leaving you. You are on your own.” With that announcement he took a few of his personal belongings and left the airport to live with his lover. I would not see him for many, many years to come.
We found ourselves stranded, possessing nothing. We did not know where to go, nor did Mom have any idea of how she was going to find our next meal. In this emergency situation she wound up moving back to her childhood home with alcoholic parents, not a safe place for kids of any age, and bad for little ones who had just lost their father. It was worse for my sister than me, though, because she was always Daddy’s little girl, the one who had my father’s heart. . . or so she thought. Once abandoned, my dark-haired sister started acting out. She became the “evil one” in the family, and I, a blond, reacted by becoming super sweet. My behavior was an effective survival technique. By being a loving, cuddly kid I could get what I needed. I may have been plain but I was smart. Looking back I wondered if my lifelong “good girl” behavior was largely a reaction to the way my sister acted. I’m not sure. But I have come to believe that my compulsion to be good and the compassion I have for others comes from someplace deep within.
Without a college degree, the only work my mother could find was minimum wage employment. When she worked we were left to the care of our grandparents. Two lively little girls living with inebriated adults was a dangerous situation. That became especially apparent when one one day my grandfather had had enough of the noise my sister was making. He drunkenly grabbed a fork and lunged to stab her in the hand. Thankfully she moved in time or she would have been maimed. Mom realized at that moment that she had to move on but again was lost about what to do and where to go.
She sought advice from a previous mentor, a woman who had been her second-grade teacher in elementary school. Connie Sellars had taken a liking to her as a youngster who came to school from an alcoholic family. Connie got her involved in church and encouraged her to sing in the children’s choir. She and my mother remained friends, writing to each other throughout her trials. Being a Good Samaritan, Connie offered us a place to live in a nearby house that she had recently inherited, asking only $75 a month in rent, an amount that was never raised over the years. If it were not for the kindness of this one individual, I’m not sure what we would have done. Housing is a prerequisite to so many things: security, status, and stability.
Still, I felt shame living in our house. Paint was peeling off the walls and the grass was never cut because we could not afford a mower. We never owned a car which meant that for ten hours a day my sister and I were left at home to raise ourselves while mom rode buses long distances to work as a clerk typist in a distant school district.
Neighbors felt sorry for us, two little urchins abandoned by fate, and they treated us kindly even though our presence “brought the neighborhood down.” They helped fill the house with cast off furniture, responding to our needs compassionately. I attribute their help to the fact that homeless families were a rare phenomenon back then. Neighbors were less inclined to judge us and more inclined to help out. The era was before the 1980s when America suddenly began demonizing the poor. Americans still had compassion for the destitute and had not yet been exposed to Ronald Reagan’s portrayal of single moms as being lazy, unproductive “Welfare Queens.”
_______
Kate survived her difficult childhood due to the camera and compassion of neighbors, church members, and educators. The adage, “it takes a village to raise a child” is a wise one that benefited her. Now, as an adult she decided to give back to the community as a minister focused on social justice. She left the church last year for employment with Volunteers of America where she oversees a large network of shelters for abused women. Childhood experiences often affect the career choices we make. Rather than be succumb to self pity or depression she saw life’s beauty and wants to share her blessedness with those who are less fortunate.
11/4/2017 6:59:17 PM
The Three Sirens
Which one will become prey in a game of one-upmanship?
Acrylic on canvas/ 36” by 12’ / $ 350
Power Play
Women have finally found the courage to share their stories of the powerful men who made unwanted sexual advances towards them.Their predators were masterful players of the one-upmanship game. They knew how to induce fear in their victims by feeding ego that supported their privileged status as employer and reenforced the belief that they were the superior player.
Before the civil war, plantation owners believed in their right to physically and sexually abuse slaves. As property, their prey had little recourse against rape or beatings by cruel masters. Society supported the rights of property owners over the enslaved. Though much has improved since those days, a great deal has stayed the same with ugliness pushed underground. Out of site and out of sound, sexual assaults until recently have been hushed up, though perhaps times are finally changing. Politicians, Hollywood moguls, and industry bosses have always been abel to engage in hurtful acts through bribery, trickery and outright force.
I too was victimized. My first encounter was mild, but demonstrates how unfeeling some young men can be when showing off to their friends. At the age of 19, while walking through Harvard Yard, an approaching student stuck out his arm to brush my breasts. I was shocked as he and his friends had a good laugh at my expense. Fifty years later the memory of that small incident remains burned in my brain. What kind of upbringing did the young man have to believe he had the right to abuse me?
In my thirties, I was subjected to unwanted advances by the chairman of the board under which I served. His power moves were scary for I was naive, neither knowing how to handle his unwanted advances nor willing to confide in someone in since he occupied the organization’s top position. I reasoned that if I went to the police the incident would be exploited in the media. Since the man was a well respected community leader, I wondered if I would be believed over his denials? Would my reputation be tarnished? Would I lose my job? In the early 1970’s women rarely won such cases by suing in court.
Fearing that my young children and spouse would be pulled into my nightmare, I elected to remain silent. By not sharing, my silence created a wedge between me and my husband.
However, once aware of sexual power games, I became determined never to be victimized again. When invited to install an OMSI exhibit in the senate office building in D.C. I was asked to give a private tour to a senator who had a predatory reputation. Forewarned, I was on guard. Sure enough, the man made overtures, but I was able to gracefully and competently end the encounter without making an enemy.
News about the predatory actions of Hollywood directors, politicians and corporate leaders is not surprising. For years their have been tales of exploits shared through backroom gossip networks. I applaud the willingness of the nearly fifty actresses who came forward to expose Harvey Weinstein. However, there is safety in numbers and most are aging ladies with little to lose. What would have happened if they stood alone and confronted him in their younger years? Talented women who work their way up the corporate ladder are at particular risk.
What will insure that job advancement stays in the boardroom rather than involve an unwilling visit to a bedroom. According to Angela Skirtu, “one part of our sex life is power roles.” Most people assume a dominant or submissive role, though some are comfortable back and forth. In a consensual relationship, power dynamics are discussed and agreed upon with the result of deepening the relationship. Without a willingness to communicate, relationships can quickly become power plays that end poorly.
Unfortunately, there are those who disregard consensual practices when outside their homes. They believe they have a license to proceed aggressively with unwilling participants. Powerless to flee, resentment, anger and depression take set in. An abused woman (or gay youth) may fear going to work.
Most employee manuals have a no-tolerance clause for sexual harassment. These rules are difficult to enforce for those at the top of the organization for there is no place further up the ladder to go to seek justice. The consequences of complaint can ruin hard built careers and undermine families. We have only to look at Anita Hill’s exposure of Clarence Thomas to understand how difficult stepping forward can be. Aggressors often have many powerful friends to form a protective ring around them.
In my case, if the situation happened today, I might still remain quiet and not report the event to authorities. However, I like to think it would never be an issue, for I am better armed with an arsenal for nipping unwanted advances in the bud. It behoves everyone to understand their own sexuality and how it affects those they associate with. There are times when flirtation is harmless and can be encouraged. But there are also situations when that is not the case and clear expectations have to be communicated.
How often have your heard, ”women don’t really mean it when they say no?” It is a stereotype about them that reinforces the idea that women are not straightforward. The phrase becomes a convenient excuse to ignore what is being said. Women, as are men, are complicated. There are times when body language is as important as words. Though we want our children to be social and caring, it becomes a problem if they are so sensitive that they fear hurting a predator’s feelings.
A young woman asked me for advice when an older, competitive colleague threatened her career by demanding sex. As a happily married mother, her family meant more to her than advancement through appeasing this individual. The process of vocalizing her concern gave her courage that enabled her to handle he situation in a safe, public arena. She told the man how flattered she was by his interest but that she was happily married and that an affair was not possible. By being open and direct, she was able to set limits. It may not seem fair to some that flattery was her way out, but it was a prudent solution for it enabled her to maintain a useful working relationship.
Moms and Dads, please don’t avoid discussing this difficult subject with your daughters and sons. At the start of their careers they need to know how to respond to unwanted advances without becoming paranoid. Discussions might focus on appropriate work attire and how to deal with inebriated co-workers. It is important let them know that most men and women are considerate and reasonable, so they will not go overboard in fear. Still, it is good to be realistic as well as cautious, for there will always be power hungry predators. Women need to be trained at an early age that it is OK to say no. And men need to learn early that a lack of no does not mean yes. Consent should be verbalized and valued.
And men, don’t be fooled. The situation can be reversed, for there are women at the top ready to play the same type of one-upmanship game
References:
Skurtu, Angela (2016) Power Dynamics in Sexual Relationships. Huffpost. retrieved fromhttps://www.huffingtonpost.com/angela-skurtu/power-dynamics-in-sexual-_b_9843280.html
Mitra, M. (2017) what Women Don’t Mean When They Say “No”. retrieved from http://www.filtercopy.com/what-women-don-t-mean-when-they-say-no-2473499543.html
Aaron, M.( 2017) The Role of Power in Relationships, Dr. Michael Aaron - licensed Psychotherapist, Sexologist and Sex therapist. retrieved from Web http://www.drmichaelaaronnyc.com/the-role-of-power-in-relationships/
